the most embarrassing night of my life
Working title: the dangers of Facebook, online dating, stranger danger and gross stupidity
The (now defunct) Chameleons remain one of my favourite bands but were responsible for the most embarrassing night of my life.
After the band reformed, I went to their London gigs and occasionally frequented the (now defunct) Wishville forums for discussion about the band, concert reviews, banter about football, discovering new bands - all the usual stuff we did before Twitter and Last.fm came along.
In November 2002. The Chameleons played a single date in London before a German tour. As I had struck up a friendship with a like minded individual on Wishville (liked footy, liked The Chameleons, liked a laugh) and exchanged messages with him, we arranged to meet up for a drink in Camden before going on to the gig.
Mark Burgess is a City fan, so he'd arranged the gig deliberately to clash with United playing Bayer Leverkeusen in the Champions League so I'd hoped to see most of the game before going to the venue.
Anyway, we exchanged mobile phone numbers, exchanged descriptions and arranged to meet in an Irish pub (public bar) that was showing the football. I didn't tell my Mummy in case she was worried about me meeting a strange man I'd recently met on the Interweb.
Inevitably, something screwed up on the night mainly because we are blokes. I can't recall precisely what happened but someone had a flat battery, lost their phone or told their Mummy so I arrived at this hostelry and furtively tried to identify this gentleman from a (Wedding) photo he'd shown me.
To cut a long story short, I couldn't find him and he couldn't find me. Worse, the footy wasn't been shown in the Irish pub or rather, I think Arsenal was being shown instead of United, so I went elsewhere to watch the game.
After a few beers and United taking a 2-0 lead, I made my way to Dingwalls. Now, there was no way I was going to make contact with my 'Internet acquaintance' in a packed venue so I was quite prepared to enjoy the support (Brian Glancy), soak up the pre-match atmosphere, drinking overpriced lager while watching the technicians twiddle buttons on amps, place guitars on stands and say 'One Two - One Two' into microphones while waiting for The Chamleons to take the stage.
Unfortunately, as always, alcohol intervened and as I watched Glancy performing, I happened to see a young lady who was also a regular on Wishville. This young lady spent every spare minute and every spare quid on watching bands and had traipsed around Germany and the States following The Chameleons on tour.
Unfortunately, I only knew 'Cath' by reputation and only recognised her by virtue of her distinctive dyed red hair. While I enjoyed her superb gig reviews, we'd never communicated directly so I didn't know her and she certainly didn't know me.
I should have just left it well alone but for some reason I didn't and I approached a complete stranger (a female one at that) and memorably opened with: 'Hi Cath. Do you know where Joe is ?'
Cath Aubergine (for that was her rather unusual name) broke off her conversation with her mate, turned to me and replied: 'Sorry - what ? Joe who ? Who are you ?'. There may have been the odd expletive thrown in for good measure.
'Joe - I arranged to meet him here but....'
Blank stare. Her mate is also now looking at me with a similar blank stare. 27.4 seconds left before the 6'2" boyfriend returns from the bar with their drinks.
'Look - you know. Joe - Mr. Moto. Have you seen him ?'
'Oh Mister Moto - why didn't you say ? But what's your name ?'
'Andy.'
'Sorry - did you say 'Andy' ?' Another piercing, blank, suspicious stare. Times two.
'Look. I'm RomanTotaleXVII on the forums but my real name's Andy, alright'. Christ - the embarrassment levels were now excruciating as we were having to shout this conversation above the noise of Bryan Glancy's set.
'Oh so you're RomanTotaleXVII but hang on - you're not RomanTotaleXVII any more. You are now...'
'Yeah, yeah I know. I'm now FieryJack.'
'Yeah - you're the guy who names himself after The Fall characters. Well why didn't you just say so ?'
And so it came to pass - Cath Aubergine led me to the bar area and introduced me to Mr. Moto (aka Joe Donellan)
'Hey Joe - I've got someone who wants to meet you. Here he is - RomanTotaleXVII'.
wit and wisdom of David Thorne
I'm not sure if it was Doug or Michael who first pointed me towards David Thorne's 27bslash6 site but his latest exchange of correspondence with Michael Harding of the South Austrailan police is hilarious and had me in stitches.
I've read the article four times now and am still smiling. You can't really quote sentences in isolation to pay justice to the brilliant humour so just enjoy the full article. The guy is a truly brilliant writer.
HDIA day declared
London, near England - Thursday 18 February 2010
British Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, astounded the world today by announcing the total and immediate withdrawal of all British troops from the current areas of conflict in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Speaking exclusively to Piers Morgan on a prime-time chat show with tears in his eye, Brown explained: 'During the course of the Chilcott Inquiry (led by that England rugby prop forward), a few facts became clear; Tony Blair misled Parliament and lied to the British public.'
'There were never any Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. We are fighting a war we can never win in Afghanistan. The time has finally come to bring 'our boys' home. We have lost over 250 young men in Afghanistan. Enough is enough and there's an election imminent.'
'A total of 12,500 troops will return home immediately from the theatres of war in the middle-east and Afghanistan. They will be fully de-briefed and given clean underpants. Then they will return home to their families for emotional reunions. Finally, the daily funerals of brave bomb disposal experts in Wootton Bassett are over. Seven TV crews and an opportunistic florist will also be recalled to London today.'
'This is not a day for trite soundbites but I can feel the hand of history on my shoulder. This day shall be a Public Holiday to be forever known as 'Honourable Draw in Iraq and Afghanistan' Day (HDIA Day).'
'On Monday, all the 12,500 members of the armed forces will all pack up their kit, say a tearful good bye and fly out to The Falklands to defend our newly found oil reserves from those pesky Argies.'
open door policy
'Who's there ?'
'It's me - Jamie.'
Thinks to myself - I don't know anyone called Jamie. My son isn't called Jamie. My daughter isn't called 'Janie'. Even though the wife is visiting her parents and I have the house to myself, I don't suppose it's that bizarre, twisted fantasy featuring Jamie Lee Curtis.
I reached for a 3 iron to defend myself and finally get myself in the Daily Mail as a selfless vigilante, wrongly imprisoned for 7 years for simply defending his own property. An Englishman's home is his castle and all that.
'Oh - wait. Hang on Mister Brightside. Please put the golf club down, please. I've just come round for an Xbox controller and Norman Junior said you might be out so he gave me the keys to get in.'
And with that, I put the golf club down (Wilson Graphite Di9 Steel 4-SW) and said 'Oh that's all right then.'
press the eject and give me the tape
Those 2010 Brit Awards in full:
- British male solo artist - Dizzee Rascal
- British female solo artist - Lilly Allen
- British breakthrough act - JLS
- British group - Kasabian
- British Album - Florence & the Machine - Lungs
- British Single - Beat Again (JLS)
- International male solo artist - Jay-Z
- International female solo artist - Lady GaGa
- International album - Lady GaGa - The Fame
- Outstanding contribution to music - Robbie Williams
...and Liam Gallaher swearing and throwing a microphone into the audience. Who said rock'n'roll is dead ?
I bet Joe Strummer is turning in his grave.