humour

BBC Breakfast ran a story this morning about the sale of woodlands. The gentlemen responsible for selling woodlands was quite a comedian. He started his act with:

'In these difficult economic times, people are looking to invest in woodlands to hedge their bets...'

and then, referring to the potential investment opportunity and without a glimmer of a smile, he delivered the immaculate line

Chatting with a good friend over dinner last night, he recounted how his son ambushed him late one Sunday night with some economics homework that he'd somehow manage to overlook and which simply had to be submitted the following morning.

Annoyed, and after dispensing a severe bollocking, he reluctantly sat down and gave his son some lengthy help with the complex and thorny topic of

'How does monetary policy affect the economy ?'

A week later, his son mumbled 'Oh yeah - I got that Eco essay back today and got a 'C' for it'.

Dear Fat Controller

Occasionally, I use South West Trains to commute from my home in sunny Norbiton into the City of London. However before you say anything, don't worry, I am not a merchant banker despite what my friends say.

Today, in an attempt to secure a seat, I delayed my departure slightly and caught the legendary 08:36 service from Norbiton. Unfortunately, I narrowly missed a highly prized seat when a rather forceful gentleman, who boarded after me, miraculously managed to reach the last vacant seat 0.74 seconds before me. Bastard.

Manchester, near England - Wednesday 5 January 2011

The footballing world was left reeling yesterday at shock news emanating from Manchester City's training facility at Carrington. A local man, Frank Booth explains: 'I always pass the City training ground on my way to work so I always check out the players going through their drills. Yesterday I was quite shocked to see all the players smiling and laughing. I couldn't believe my eyes so I stopped for a closer look.

'Burns - I guess this means I can book the hotel for four nights and cancel the flights to OpenWorld then ?'

I don't know if al the clever Spanish people who study English leave the country or whether translators aren't very well paid in Spain but here's some amusing signs from my recent holiday in Marbella.

'Deposit all remainders here' - Malaga airport.

I duly placed '2' in the receptacle. This was left over when I was testing Norman Jeane and asked her to quickly divide 12 by 5.

'Millionaires - Private Gentleman's Club. Members only. Please always use rear entrance' - Puerto Banus.

'Where's the crane then ?'

We had just embarked on our summer vacation to sunny Marbella (near Spain) and were sitting on the shuttle bus taking us and our suitcases from long stay parking to the North terminal at Gatwick airport.

'Sorry what did you say ?'

'The crane that gets the cars - where is it ?'

Just pulled some ancient, fuzzy photos from my toy phone including one that captures a wonderful notice in a toilet in an unnamed, anonynmous, large corporation looking for significant financial savings in Q4.

In 2009, we spent £75,000 unblocking toilets at HQ. Items found included:

• plastic cups
• oranges
• sandwiches
• newspapers
• magazines
• underwear

There were around 250 incidents like this.

I never purchased an orange from that canteen ever again.

[ Working title: Torture on a shoestring ]

A couple of weeks ago on a normal, routine Tuesday morning, I did what I do every morning; showered, prepared for work and cleaned my ears out with a cotton wool bud. As I went to leave the bathroom, I swung my arms up and around to put my dressing gown back on for the short trip down the upstairs landing.

Tuesday 1 June

Mr. Capello announces the final squad of 23 players for the World Cup. There was the odd surprise and some devastated players as we say a tearful farewell to Huddza, Johnno, the Scott-Meister, Les (Dawson), Dazza The Bender, Walcottza and the quiet one (I think his name was Leighton Baines).

Saturday 5 June