A couple of years ago, I was staying at a posh hotel in Oslo. I returned to my room after a hard day's work, looking forward to a very expensive glass of beer.
I swiped my card and entered room 216. To my surprise, I found a strange man in there. He was was emerging from the bathroom but thankfully, he was fully clothed and alone.
My immediate reaction was to rapidly withdraw, apologising profusely. 'Oh I am awfully sorry. I appear to have the wrong room'. As the layout and decor of the hotel was identical on each floor, I just assumed that I had mistakenly entered room 316 (instead of 216).
I checked my key (room 216) and I checked the little wallet holder (room 216). I then stared blankly at the number on the door of the room I had just entered - 216 - when the door opened and the gentleman appeared again. I managed a quick peek into the room and saw my book on the desk and my alarm clock by the bed.
The American stranger smiled and said: 'Hey, you know. I think it might be me who has the wrong room' and we agreed to go downstairs to reception.
American: 'There is a problem. I appear to have been given this gentleman's room.'
Receptionist: 'Room number, please ?'
American: 'Room 216.'
Receptionist: 'Name ?'
American: 'Costner'
Receptionist: 'There is no problem. You are in room 216 and have the key for room 216.'
American: 'But this gentleman is already staying in room 216' (gestures towards me).
I step forward to the desk amazed at what I have heard thus far.
Receptionist: 'Name ?'
Me: 'Brightside'
Receptionist: 'Room number ?'
Me: '216.'
Receptionist: 'Mr Brightside. You checked out of room 216 at 08.45 this morning.'
Me: 'No I didn't. I am booked to stay here until tomorrow morning.'
Receptionist: 'No. Mr Brightside. You checked out of room 216 at 08.45 this morning and paid in full with a credit card.'
Me: 'No I didn't.'
Receptionist: 'Yes you did.'
[ To avoid an English pantomime exchange developing and as I was getting increasingly annoyed...]
Me: 'OK then. If I checked out of room 216 this morning, you must have a copy of my bill and the the credit card slip with my signature on it ?'
Receptionist: 'Yes, Sir. We do.'
Me: 'Please can I see it then.'
Receptionist: 'Yes.'
[ Walks off into office, obviously disgruntled ]
Receptionist: 'I'm awfully sorry, Mr Brightside. There has been a terrible mistake.'
Just bought 30 second class stamps and sent a parcel recorded delivery in the Post Office. The stamps cost £6.30 and the recorded delivery costs £2.25.
'That will be £8.55, please Sir'.
I hand over a 20 pound note. The lady gives me £8.55 in change, asks me to put the parcel in Santa's overflowing grey sack and prepares for the next customer.
'Sorry but I thought you said it was £8.55'
'Yes. That's correct.'
'But you only gave me £8.55 change'
'Yes. That's right'
'But it should be, err, 11 pounds, err, 45 pence'
'No. It is 8.55'
'How much are the stamps and the recorded delivery ?'
'8.55'
[People are now starting to sigh loudly in the queue ]
'How much did I give you ?
'Twenty pounds'
'What is 20? minus? 8.55 ?'
'Oh I see. I am awfully sorry, Sir.'
A few months ago, I was shocked and amazed to receive an email from Friends Reunited entitled 'Janet Oldsgate has sent you a private message'.
God, I was so excited, I could hardly contain myself. The adrenalin started flowing, I broke out in a hot sweat and clicked through like I had never clicked through before.
Oh no. What is my darned password for Friends Reunited ? I looked it up on the Palm - nothing. I looked in Thunderbird under 'Infrequently used Web sites' - nothing. I tried a couple of the usual suspects but no joy. Then I remembered the password was in fact, 'JOldsgate73!'. This password was a deliberate and incredibly secure choice to prevent a repeat of the unfortunate incident when my wife hacked my Friends Reunited account and modified my 'Profile' in an oh so amusing and hilarious fashion. My, how we laughed.
Now I was logged in and the sense of anticipation grew. I summoned up the courage and clicked on the inviting 'Your Messages' icon. Nothing. Shurely shome mishtake. Refresh. Nothing. I frantically read the online help and used 'Advanced Search' to locate all private messages from 'Janet Oldsgate' sent directly to me, ever. Absolutely nothing.
Then it slowly dawned on me. There was no private, personal message from my long lost and first love, Janet Oldsgate. I shouldn't have got my hopes up. I should have known better. I was gullible. I was foolish.
The clues were there all along. Firstly, I went to an all boys grammar school. Secondly, I do not and have never known anyone called Janet Oldsgate.
This email was merely an elaborate, cruel hoax (known as phishing) that ruins peoples' lives, causing untold distress and angst to its innocent victims and breaking up happy marriages. And all of this purely in the name of a CRM marketing campaign to drive more traffic to the Friends Reunited web site.
And now on the back of the increased traffic, advertising revenue and click through rates generated by this slightly questionable and underhand campaign, the founders of Friends Reunited have
sold up to ITV for a cool 120 million GBP.
Scobleizer's
trip to the Guinness brewery reminds me of a similar visit I enjoyed many years ago with a few friends.
After enduring the 45 minute tour of the Dublin brewery, we finally settled back to enjoy the free samples which were willingly dispensed in 1/2 pint glasses of sheer perfection.
After a while (seven halves), I sensed the barmaid was about to ask 'Shouldn't you lads be moving on now ?' but one of our party got in first with 'Have you not got any pint glasses back there ?'
I was just looking at my Web site and spontaneously decided to end its sad, sorry life. Static content unchanged in years with dead links with little of interest to anyone. Part blog, part bookmarks, part experiment in HTML. Now consigned to the Internet archives.