deep meaningful questions
The courteous, cheerful, courtesy bus driver from the car park to Terminal 1 at London Heathrow Airport greeted me with: 'Got your mobile phone safe, Sir ?'. Unfortunately, I was a little taken aback by this opening gambit and simply replied 'Oh yes. I do. Thank you.'
Two minutes later, a better retort struck me 'Yes. I left my flight tickets back in the office. I forgot to print the address of the hotel and my photographic means of identification is back at home but, yes, please rest assured my toy phone with its irritating ring tone is safely here in my pocket.'
It is dull, grey, wet and somewhat blustery in London and when I get to the 'Fast Bag Drop' desk, I am informed that my flight to Newcastle has been cancelled and I am unable to drop my bags here at any speed.
Instead, I am redirected to the BA ticket sales desk to (hopefully) get booked onto a later flight. When I reach the head of a very orderly, polite, silent, British queue, I am cheerfully greeted with 'Do you know what is going on, Sir ?' which is a very deep, meaningful, thought provoking and unexpected question.
Infuriatingly, I missed another gilt edged chance for a witty response and just said 'It is raining and windy so I heard a few flights have been cancelled so I need to book onto a later flight to Newcastle'.
15 seconds later, I realised the optimal reply should have been 'Nope. I haven't got the foggiest clue what is going on. The realisation is slowly dawning on me that my manager, colleagues, friends (and my wife) have indeed been correct all these years. I simply do not have a clue. However, please, rest assured, that I do have my mobile phone safe and sound.'
But before I could spit the words out, the BA gentleman told me exactly what was going on. 'Well, Sir. That is only partly correct. ATC (that is - Air Traffic Control) have limited the number of inbound and outbound flights to the airfield (I'm positive he called one of the busiest airports in Europe an 'airfield') due to inclement weather conditions. Consequently there are many cancellations and even the flights that are getting away are still subject to lengthy delays'.
And, in a very British way, I thanked him for these glad tidings.
probably the most embarassing purchase in the world
Last week, I had to buy a birthday present for somebody. So, quite early last Thursday morning, I found myself in a cavernous Tesco Extra Superstore. You could buy anything there at rock bottom (close to InterWeb) prices: digital cameras, MP3 players, Ipod's, Plasma screen TV's, DVD recorders, SmartCars, absolutely anything I must have looked purposeful and smart as an elderly couple mistook me for a Tesco employee and asked me where they might find bread and milk. I tried to be helpful and directed them to aisle 79 and gave them a pre-printed 'Employee of the Month' form to complete. I then used the in-store guide to navigate my way to the music section. To my horror, the one item at the top of my shopping list was nowhere to be found. I checked the Top 100 Chart listing. This particular CD was Number 33 in the hit parade. Inevitably, the Number 33 position was the only slot in the miles of CD racks which was completely and utterly empty. Disaster. Initially I thought about just going elsewhere but then I saw a young lady polishing her nails at the 'Audio - Customer Service' desk. I slowly approached and decided to come clean: 'Good morning. I wonder if you could help me. I really need to buy the 33rd best selling CD inthe UK charts but there are none left on the shelves. Please could you see if you have got any in the stock room out the back (or under the counter) ?' She paused, turned and looked at the CD chart listing. 'Number 33 - Oh. Do you mean James Blunt - Back To Bedlam ?'' 'Well, yes, err, but you must understand, this is a, err, birthday present for a, err, very close friend you see, and certainly not for me'. 'Oh I understand, perfectly, Sir. I will just go and have a look for you now.' The young assistant smiled and shot me a knowing glance as she departed. As she was gone for what seemed like an eternity, I continued to browse the shelves and, suddenly, on impulse, I decided to buy the Arctic Monkey's CD. This was a risk as I had never heard any music by this band and my all-time favourite music reviewer had not even commented on this band yet. The shop assistant eventually returned with 'Number 33' in her hand. 'Thank you very much. And I would also like to buy this CD too. Look - this CD is the Arctic Monkeys and I am actually buying this one for myself.' 'Oh I see, Sir. Are you sure this isn't a present for someone else ?' So I buy the two CD's and shuffle away. Then I consult my shopping list (GTD context='Tesco') and I suddenly realise that I need to buy something else. Mothers' Day is imminent and I also need to buy David Gray's latest CD. Enough was enough. I simply can't take any more. Time to leave. On my way out, I spotted the elderly couple looking perplexed over in the Garden, Conservatory and Motorized Robotic Lawn Mower section. I simply couldn't face buying the David Gray CD. I couldn't face that girl's smirk again so I just cut my losses and bought 24 contraceptive sheaths as it was much less embarassing and promptly left the store. So, sorry, Mum. 24 Durex (Featherlite) may seem like an odd present for Mothers' Day but I hope this article helps to explain why.a narrow escape
I was just quietly unloading the dishwasher this morning, when my 10 year old daughter enters the kitchen and screams:'HE'S DEAD, DAD, HE'S DEAD. LOOK DAD. HE'S DEAD !'Sure enough, Chewy, the 18 month old gerbil had got himself wedged in a Xmas wrapping paper tube. Being slightly narrower than a toilet roll, the poor thing had wedged himself in and was absolutely motionless with his bottom sticking out of one end. As I have never held the filthy rodent alive let alone dead, I summoned my wife, Norma, from the shower. Well, she is a trained Intensive Care Nurse after all. As Norma went to cut away the cardboard to free Chewy and prepare him for cremation, we suddenly saw frantic motion. Thank God, against all the odds, the poor creature is still alive:
'HE'S ALIVE DAD, HE'S ALIVE. LOOK, DAD. HE'S ALIVE !'Unfortunately the little gerbil was so frightened, he started thrashing around uncontrollably like a rodent that had been helplessly trapped for 8 hours unable to see or move. Consequently Norma inadvertently dropped him into the laundry basket and spontaneously urinated onto my underpants and socks (Chewy that is, not Norma). This comedy of errors continued as Norma's towel fell away as she desperately tried to grab him and stop him entering the narrow passage by the tumble drier. In conclusion :- Never, ever place Xmas wrapping paper tubes into your Hamster/Gerbil cage, thinking 'This will be fun' - it won't. [This article was originally published in The Grauniad's 'Living' section on 13 November 2002 ]