Blog in isolation
Digging in a Habari sandpit

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Sunday 23 November 2008

Blog Friendly Unit Shifter

• Recent Posts

  • open letter to Mark Burgess
  • has your company got a Community Manager ?
  • open letter to Tony Hawks
  • more fun with keyword searches
  • black screen of death

the real star of 'Saxondale'

Morwenna Banks, who plays Vicky in Saxondale, is superb. While she gets some of the best lines in the comedy series, co-written by Steve Coogan like

'Tell him to put some jam on his shoes and invite his trousers down for tea.'

...her delivery and timing is absolutely brilliant.

lost without 'Lost'

'Good evening. Blueyond - sorry - Virgin Media Customer Services. Carol speaking. How may I help you ?' 'Slight problem. I can't get Sky One any more.' 'Yes, Sir. I know [sighs inwardly 'Oh God please not another one']. Those nasty people from Sky increased the prices and Sir Richard called their bluff. Unfortunately, a horrid Australian man called Rupert then called his bluff back so we can't show it any more.' 'But isn't that a prime example of the free market and competition in operation that Richard keeps telling us about ?' 'Oh no, Sir. This is a virtual monopoly that presents a real danger to the media industry worldwide and all our valuable subscribers. Well those that are left, anyway.' 'Well, why doesn't Richard retaliate by charging Rupert 10 times more for Living TV and Bravo+1 ?' 'Sorry, Sir. We did look into that option but it turns there are only 23 people on Sky who regularly watch those channels.' 'But you can't do that. I spend my life nagging my kids to stop watching 'The Simpsons' and knuckle down to their homework. What am I supposed to do now ?' 'I know, Sir. We are very sorry for the inconvenience and upset caused.' 'Never mind that. Don't you realise we are halfway through a series of Lost ?' 'Yes. I know, Sir. I also enjoy that never ending, inane, tedious, frustrating and yet somehow compelling series. If it's any consolation, I will now have to go round our Shirley's in St Helens every Wednesday night and make smalltalk with her idiotic husband just to get my weekly fix. Come to think of it, I might move to Sky.' 'How much refund will I get for the loss of the Sky channels ?' 'Refund, Sir ? Err, well I'm not sure about that, Sir. You see, we really didn't expect it to come to this. However you can always watch 'Little Britain' and 'Spooks' on the newly launched Video On Demand. The marketing lady thinks you might like to call it VOD.' 'Sod VOD. I'm sorry but that's simply not good enough. Please may I speak to Richard Branston ?' 'Sorry - do you mean Richard Branson ?' 'Yeah. That's him. The chap in a white wedding dress with a silly beard.' 'I'm sorry. That won't be possible. Maybe I can help ?' 'Can you get a message to Richard ?' 'Err, well, I'll try, Sir.' 'Has he got Sky One in his palatial Oxford mansion ?' 'Of course. I went there on my induction week. He's also got Sky Plus and a dodgy descrambler from eBay hooked up to receive satellite channels to follow the South American Ballooning Championships.' 'Can you ask him whether I would be breaching the Terms and Conditions by using a BitTorrent client to download the remaining episodes of 'Lost' ?' 'Certainly, Sir. Anything else I can help you with regarding your drastically reduced Virgin Media services tonight ? Perhaps you would like to downgrade your Internet connection to 56K dialup (free modem) for the same money. Or maybe I can tempt with with increased telephone charges to mobile numbers ?' 'Yeah, well actually there is something. Please can I speak to Uma ?' 'Sorry, Sir. Do you have a surname with that ?' 'Thurman. Uma Thurman.'

conspiracy theories

When I returned from evensong last night, after I had ironed five shirts and read a bedtime story to my loving (but strangely uncommunicative) teddy bears, I sat down with a hot cup of Horlicks to enjoy two hours of high quality Sunday night viewing. I don't know why but I have always had an interest in 'conspiracy therories'. When I was a lad, I was convinced that

• Marilyn Monroe was killed by the Kennedy brothers.
• Ashley Grimes was a undercover Manchester City spy.
• JFK was assasinated by Norma Jeane Mortenson from the grassy knoll.
• UFO's had landed at Roswell and probably deposited Ashley Grimes.

Of course, that was then. This is now. Back then I was a boy. Now I am a man (sort of). With the passing years, I have matured and changed my beliefs accordingly.

• 9/11 was instigated by the US government in order to invade Afghanistan and Iraq.
• Lady Diana (Princess Of Our Hearts) was assasinated by an Italian Pizza chef, driving a white Fiat Punto on the orders of Prince Phillip (The Greek).
• Kurt Cobain's death was directly or indirectly arranged by Courtney Love.

Imagine my horror, when last night's BBC Conspiracy Files tells me that 9/11 was the work of Al Qaeda terrorist cells coupled with failings by the US intelligence services. This revelation shocked me. I was stunned. I was struggling to assimilate this bombshell which opened to question so many of my dearly held beliefs. To ease the pain, I poured the Horlicks down the sink and cracked open a Grolsch. I quickly switched channels to FA Cup Match of The Day in an effort to restore a sense of normality. Another conspiracy - Manchester City had avoided an FA Cup giant-killing and beaten Preston. That's it. I can't take any more. I am going to bed. Only I couldn't. I had to stay up to watch another deep, probing, investigative BBC program to finally which would surely prove that I am not clinically insane and confirm (or at least keep faintly alive) just one of my conspiracy theories. Unfortunately,'The last 48 hours of Kurt Cobain' proposed the ridiculous assertion that Kurt Cobain was a manic depressive, heroin addict in denial with wild mood swings, depressed at his sought after fame and cult status, desperate to escape an unhappy marriage but simultaneously petrified of being denied access to his two year old daughter. After another brief and unsuccessful attempt in rehab, Cobain embarked on yet another drug binge in Seattle before penning a suicide note and shooting himself in the head with a shotgun. So the fact that Cobain's body had massive amounts of heroin that would have rendered him incapable of pulling the trigger, the fact that another hand wrote the closing line 'Please keep going Courtney, for Frances' and the curious fact that Cobain carefully tidied away his drug paraphernalia when dead are all just examples of yet another conspiracy theory.

Rene Carayol's clever approach to taxation

I also enjoyed last night's 'Did they pay off their mortgage in two years ?' about a likable creative artist from Cornwall who makes interesting, arty (and high margin) stoves from VW car parts aimed at rich people in South Kensington. The last minute of the show was a real emotional roller coaster. Firstly, I was delighted to hear the couple's hard work had showed an unbelievable return of £104,000 profit but then shattered to hear they had fallen a paltry £1,500 of being able to pay off their mortgage in full. My hopes rose again as 'international businessman and motivational speaker, Rene Carayol' spontaneously (and very conveniently) purchased a stove and handed them the £1,500 in cash. Then I started to laugh uncontrollably as I struggled to assimilate Rene's closing words

'Congratulations. You have done it. You have paid your mortgage off. Now there's just one more small thing to do. Review the books and see how much you owe the tax man.'

So, although they paid their mortgage off, the couple are now saddled with a sizable personal loan to clear their debts to the Inland Revenue.

can Gerry Robinson fix IT ?

I was fascinated by the 'Can Gerry Robinson fix the NHS' series broadcast on BBC2 this week. Not because I learned a lot about how the NHS works. Not because I was staggered at the simplicity of Robinson's approach. Not because I was surprised that Robinson managed to implement various changes to significantly reduce waiting lists at a Rotherham hospital in just 6 months. I was fascinated because I have encountered so many of those issues, heard so many of those quotes verbatim and met so many of those stereotypes during 20 years in IT.

• The people who meet any sensible suggestion for improvement with an array of negative reasons why that simply won't be possible.
• The people who estimate that implementing a simple change will take months to implement.
• The retort of 'That will need another meeting to be set up.'
• The senior management who haven't got a clue about the real issues faced by people working on the shop floor.
• The people actually using the system know what the real issues are.
• The lengthy, directionless meetings which agree to 'do something' but don't assign ownership or commit to a date.
• The expensive use of 'management consultants' to tell senior management what they already know.
• Cost cutting in the very areas that need extra resources.

The ultimate irony is that having implemented the changes, re-motivated the staff and significantly reduced the waiting lists, every single poorly person in Yorkshire will now forcefully insist that their GP immediately refers them to Rotherham General Hospital. Consequently, the waiting lists will rocket, Brian James will lose his job, the consultants will revert to their old ways and the job freeze will be reinstated. However, Gerry Robinson and the BBC will be invited back to film a second series.