fear and trepidation
I travel quite a lot. I usually stay in decent hotels. I am fairly easy to please. All I really need on my short visits is a clean bed and a shower.
However, most of the hotels in Rotterdam (including the one I stayed in last week where I could stroll down to the client offices - my idea of nirvana) are fully booked for reasons that are unclear.
I have a feeling that there may be a major tulip festival taking place. Either that or it is because (for reasons outside my control) I am being forced to book at 24 hours notice.
In any event, after hours of hunting for a hotel room without success, I asked the client for assistance and am pleased to announce that I now have a confirmed booking for three nights at the Grand Hotel Central in central Rotterdam.
Then I just happened to read some reviews on this establishment and I am really starting to wish I hadn't.
Kettle Chips rant
Two weeks ago, I sat in the business lounge at Newcastle airport. I chose a desk right in the corner away from everyone else because I am like that. Inevitably, the lounge filled up with business types trying to impress everyone else by speaking loudly on their slimline toy phones. A gentleman came and sat down next to me. He fetched an orange juice and two packets of delicious Kettle Chips (Sea Salt with crushed black peppercorns and Mature Cheddar and Chives) to occupy himself for the next 25 minutes. Now Kettle Chips are very tasty and I am quite partial to a packet myself but when you are trying to concentrate and not partaking, the act of ripping open the packet(s) and noisily crunching crisp after crisp is incredibly irritating. Finally, the second packet was exhausted. All the crumbs at the bottom had been shoveled down his greedy throat. Peace at last. Peace until he got up from his chair and fetched another two packets. Not one but another two. Now I know that food and drink are complimentary in the business lounge, but, for God's sake, Kettle Chips simply aren't exactly a delicacy that you never get at home. This afternoon, I find myself in the same business lounge, with a new immediate neighbour for company. Incredibly, he has also just noisily munched his way through two packets of Kettle Chips. Jesus Christ - he has just got up and and returned with another two packets (Salsa Mesquite and Sea Salt & Balsamic Vinegar). I've had enough. I can't take any more without saying anything I regret. I am now going to show some solidarity with the man in the street and sit in an empty departure lounge with no flight until next Monday. As far away from everyone else, and Kettle Chips, as I can possibly get.raw deal for UK smokers
LHR-NCL (BA1326) Dep: 09:40 Arr: 10:45'Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Newcastle airport where the local time is 12:50. Once again, we would like to apologise for the [2 hour] delay to this service. We hope this does not inconvenience you and wish you a safe and pleasant onward journey.' 'Passengers wishing to smoke should note that, following changes to UK legislation that came into effect over the weekend, smoking is not permitted anywhere in the terminal building.' 'Passengers wishing to smoke should only do so on the concourse in located front of the main terminal. For the safety of fellow passengers, please dispose of all cigarette butts carefully. In particular, be aware of fast moving vehicles packed with gas canisters, petrol and sharp objects, as these may cause damage if inadvertently ignited by a stray cigarette.' 'Thank you for your attention. Good afternoon.'
my worst nightmare
Ten hours cooped up on a plane with facile excuses ('just another 10 minutes'), no food and screaming babies for company. Love the cheerful musical score, the facial expressions and the way the video starts in daylight and ends in complete darkness.letter from America
I have been a little quiet recently because I have spent the last two weeks in Florida during which time I didn't see a computer, pick up a newspaper and thankfully, didn't speak on a phone.- Fly to Orlando
- Stubbornly refuse the persistent Alamo sales pitch offering an upgrade to a oversized vehicle, pre-paid petrol and a host of other unwanted 'options'.
- Visit Magic Kingdom on the busiest day of the year. Queue to board a ferry boat. Queue to buy tickets. Queue to get bag checked. Queue to enter park. Queue for restrooms. Queue for food. Board every ride almost immediately.
- Tie a Vielda cloth to car aerial to keep 3 car convoy together. Tell the parking valet, this ripped blue and white rag is the flag of the European Union.
- Trip to Discovery Cove. Much more civilised (free pints of Pepsi). Experience queue withdrawal syndrome.
- Return to Magic Kingdom for nighttime parade and fireworks. Thirst for queuing quenched.
- Stagger and amaze multiple Disney staff by correctly guessing their town and state of origin purely from their accents.
- Meet an American gentleman who accuses me of 'being Dutch', 'not speaking proper English' and proudly announces that his brother-in-law is 'mayor of Packney'. All in a 28 second ride in a lift.
- Car park attendant at Sea World finally rumbles the state of origin trick - 'hey - did you just read my name badge ?'
- Kennedy Space Center - 'Awesome' is a much overused word in America but on this occasion, completely justified.
- Early start for Universal Islands of Adventure. Splash out on Fast Pass tickets and gloat as we march to the front of the lines.
- Forcibly ejected from Dixie Stampede after answering 'Stand up if you are proud to be in America' by placing hand on heart, waving a star spangled banner and bellowing 'We applaud your war of terror'.
- Don ski-suit, hats and gloves for Blizzard Beach. Shocked to discover it is a Water Park with massive queues and no space to sit down.
- Drive to Miami Beach. Beautiful people driving flash cars past beggars lying on the sidewalk. Can't determine whether people here are unhelpful or merely of limited intelligence. Massively overrated.
- Attempt to bludgeon way into adjoining hotel room at 03:47 to kill noisy neighbours. Hammer on connecting door, screaming 'TURN IT DOWN' which, surprisingly, has desired effect. Wife still unable to sleep as she fears drug mafia will enter room to exact dreadful revenge.
- Airboat ride at Everglades Alligator Farm. Too scared to hold a cuddly alligator or a large yellow snake.
- Meet a lady who 'loves my accent'. She spent time in England last summer. In the famous English town of Newport (near Wales).
- Hotel safe jams containing passports and valuables (United scarf). Duty Manager helpfully asks 'You using the right code ?'. Maintenance department fail to open safe. Divine intervention (Clear - 9-2-1-1) miraculously unlocks safe as I am about to buy high explosives.
- Welcome drink at Sloppy Joes in Key West. Heard some decent music (Killers) and nearly died of shock.
- Call home for United score in European Cup Quarter Final. Father claims score is MUFC 5 Roma 0. Hang up as time is short and I am convinced he is joking.
- Gain 3 stone as result of outsize American portions. Started to share meals, only eat starters, request childrens menu and finally skip meals completely. Weight gain limited to 5 stone as a result.
- Key Largo. Superb snorkelling on Banana Reef in John Pennekamp Park.
- Put petrol in car. Advanced computer system for automated self-service payment means I only have to enter garage three times to complete transaction.
- Listen to John Mellencamp, Belinda Carlisle and Foreigner and an interminable stream of inexorable dross on an array of dreary ('Light Rock') radio stations. No wonder the US doesn't produce any decent bands.
- Return hire car. Failed to tip shuttle driver who gave me a stream of abuse.
- Fly back from Miami airport. Sophisticated on-demand video and entertainment system functional after a 'master-master reset'. Play Tetris continuously for 6 hours with attractive girl seated in 32B.