axe murderer
A couple of years ago, I was working in Amsterdam (near Holland) chasing world records for loading lots of data into a Siebel database.
It wasn't working very well. The client was unhappy so long hours were called for.
The Unix team said the expensive SAN was performing optimally.
The DBA team said Oracle was performing optimally.
The Siebel team said Siebel was performing optimally.
Alex Ferguson unexpectedly joined a conference call and said the Manchester United team were performing optimally.
The truth was that nothing was performing optimally. We could have loaded data quicker by typing it in.
So, we were all scratching our heads, dying to get into Amsterdam, and yawning at 23.47 one night when a gentleman appeared with a bottle of red wine.
'Has anyone got a corkscrew ?'
Well it made a pleasant change from 'Is it finished yet ?'
'No'
'Oh. It's my birthday today and I'd like to share this bottle of wine with the team.'
Purely, in the interests of team morale, I took a decisive step forward.
'Just get a biro and sink the cork into the bottle. Then we can all have a quick drink and watch glance and OEM for another 3 hours.'
'Sorry. I do not understand what you are meaning.'
'OK. Just give me the bottle.'
I grabbed a biro, plunged it into the cork and pushed. Nothing happened. I pushed harder. People (including managers) were now looking at me, exchanging knowing glances (Mad Englishman). Nothing happened.
So, I pushed even harder. Nothing happened. I put the bottle between my knees and pushed even harder. Finally, the biro plunged into the cork and the cork consequently plunged into the bottle.
However the impact was slightly more forceful than I intended and I was sprayed with a fountain of red wine. My pristine white shirt only accentuated the visual impact.
I paused and gathered myself. Red wine was splattered all over my shirt. I looked a complete mess. People were sniggering which quickly developed into hysterical laughter.
I proffered the 3/4 full bottle of red wine, to the birthday boy, expecting some gratitude.
'Thanks. Have you got any cups ?'
So, instead of being known as 'that Siebel guy who helped us load 84 million records in 23 hours with error checking and reconciliation', I was forever labelled as 'the axe murderer'.
death by PowerPoint
One reason I am slightly averse to presentations is that I once attended a 'Presentation Skills' course that unequivocally stated 'There is no room for humour in presentations'. I fundamentally disagree with this assertion. For example, I think this presentation is very interesting, thought provoking, refreshing and different. Does it contain humour ? Not directly but then why are people laughing throughout ? It contains repetition, repetition, repetition which helps to enforce the underlying point (selling his company). It is brilliantly delivered and undoubtedly very well rehearsed but it is memorable and different. So today, I have slides with the following quotations:'I can't manage it. It is Siebel - Anon' 'I don't understand it. It is Siebel - Anon' 'I can't tune it. It is Siebel - Anon' 'Siebel is just some data in some tables - Me'This isn't humour although it gets a (nervous) laugh but it is intended to encapsulate the message of the next two days. So I will repeat these quotes at various points to reinforce the message.
infrequent flyer
Well it's been a while but tomorrow I will be resuming my battle with BAA security staff as I pack my thermal underwear for a chilly Stockholm (near Sweden) where I am hoping the Queen's husband will greet me at the hotel reception.
I am giving a presentation (sorry, facilitating a workshop) imaginatively titled 'Managing Siebel on Oracle'. This should be fun as this is completely new material and should include a lots of hands on practical work which inevitably will provoke a lot of questions and discussion.
Only one major decision is outstanding. Should I use the white (understated, lighter, easy on the eye) template or the (dark, moody, almost Gothic) black corporate template ?
Anyone who has seen Oracle presentations should know what I mean. Tom Kyte tends to use White. Most glossy S&M/keynotes use Black. Guess what - I think I have just solved my dilemma.