securing a job on LinkedIn
Hi Norman. You and I haven't spoken before so please excuse the intrusion. However Sandstone Search & Selection are a specialist recruitment consultancy, focused on the Enterprise Software and Consulting markets. I'm keen to find out if you're open minded about your career please let me know. Rupert Smithers-Jones
Hi Rupert. Yes - I am pretty open minded about my career and would consider anything apart from pole dancing. Norman.
Hi Norman. Excellent news ! Ping me when you have 5 minutes free to chat about an exciting opportunity. Rupert
Rupert - I typed 'ping rupert' but my computer reported an error 'rupert is not responding'. Kind regards, Norman
Norman - What would you say to an opening in pre-sales consulting for a major, established blue chip based in London with some international travel ? Rupert
Hey Rupert I don't wish to be rude but I think I'd rather be considered for the 'pole dancing' role. Do you have any such openings for tasteful pole dancing - maybe at corporate events for IT companies. Although I relatively new to the business, I do have a copy of 'The Full Monty' on DVD. Does that help ? Norman
Norman - You're confused. I'm a executive search and selection specialist charged with head hunting the most talented and elite IT professionals for the top FTSE 100 companies in the UK. I don't find temporary jobs for pole dancers. BTW What is your notice period ? Rupert
Rupert - My notice period is one month but I wouldn't be available for any new role until 1 September when I get out of hospital - Norman.
Norman - I don't wish to pry but what is the nature of your medical procedure. It might affect the package I can secure for you - Rupert.
Rupert - Please don't worry - it's just some minor surgery I'm having done in Belarus. It the fourth and final part of my transgender operation. From 1 September, I will be henceforth be known as 'Norma-Jeane'. This will most certainly affect my package and strong pain killers will be required. Do you want an updated CV now to forward to the client ? Thanks, Norman.
Norman - This conversation is now over. Sorry to have troubled you. Rupert. PS. If you know of any colleagues, relatives or numerate pets who might be interested in IT jobs, please let me know. There's a case of 12 bottles of mixed French wine on offer for each successful placement.
Rupert - please don't act like a bear with yellow trousers, red jumper and a sore head. I had a chat with my 'life coach' last night and we decided that the time is ripe for a fresh, new challenge. I need to be excited when I when I go to work. I need to be stretched (but gently). I need to be stimulated again (but gently). Therefore, I am now looking for a Linux system administration role or exotic dancing. Ideally, full time Linux Sys Admin for a charity and part-time dancing at night. The main reason for the transgender process was the increased earning potential available to female strippers. This will enable me to get enough money together for the 'pole dancing' classes. Please let me know - Norman.
Norman - My colleague David is responsible for Linux recruitment. He really likes the look of your CV and is confident he has a fantastic opportunity. Do you have a beard as this would almost certainly secure an interview ?
Yes - but only before 1 September.
end of a love affair
One attraction of my glamorous life as an IT consultant travelling all over Europe is the opportunity to conduct illicit affairs with beautiful lap dancers from Prague (who are definitely not transvestites). For the last three years, I have been secretly engaged in such a liaison with a beautiful young lady called Iris.
Unfortunately, due to Iris' work commitments, our meetings are limited to brief, breathless, stolen trysts in the arrivals and departure halls at the various terminals at London Heathrow.
Originally, like most shy, reserved young ladies being stalked by an aging, overweight business man, Iris played slightly hard to get and actually stood me up on our first date but I wasn't to be deterred and I persevered to win the heart of my beloved.
Eventually, the course of true love prevailed and our relationship blossomed. Iris and I enjoyed furtive, passionate encounters in the toilets at Heathrow with novelty condoms to spice up the relationship.
Whenever I returned to the UK after being abroad, I would positively look forward to meeting Iris and staring into her eyes. In fact, if I didn't stare into her eyes, she would often scold me in her dull, mechanic monotone voice: 'Please stand back a little' or 'Please move to the right'.
However, when I finally got the positioning correct, I was rewarded by an orgasmic moan: 'Ooh - aah. That's right. Ooh - aah Cantona. That's perfect. Just keep it there.' Then, she would part her smoked glass double doors and invite me to enter the gateway to heaven. And baggage reclaim.
Last Friday, I returned from Dusseldorf (near Germany) and returned via Terminal 1. My excitement mounted as I made my way to meet Iris as I hadn't seen her since a short trip to a freezing Helsinki (near Finland) in January.
My heart raced as I finally set eyes on Iris again but I could immediately sense something was wrong. She seemed cold and aloof. She didn't acknowledge my presence in the booth. She didn't look into my eyes. She didn't ask me to move closer. Nor did she ask to me move away.
A stony silence ensued. The tension grew. I moved forward - no reaction. I desperately tried to look Iris in the eyes but nothing. Suddenly, Iris asked me to look into the middle camera unit and I found myself squatting down, desperately trying to catch her eye and get her attention.
The interminable silent treatment from my lover continued. God - this was so embarrassing. I could sense the whole army of arriving passengers staring at Iris and I falling out of love.
Then finally, she came out and said it. She didn't bother with any pleasantries. No long, rambling, tearful conversation starting 'Dear John'. No hesitant 'This isn't about you - it's about me.' Iris just ended our three year relationship - three years filled with laughter, joy and slurping noises - with the immortal words: 'Your data can not be reconciled. Please seek assistance.'
With my face reddening, I turned to go. To my horror, a lengthy queue of important looking business types (some with BA Executive Gold cards) had slowly gathered behind Iris. Iris already had a stream of 30 handsome suitors queuing up to take my place. As I walked away, crestfallen, I overheard a gentleman mutter 'Idiot - you shouldn't even be allowed to use Iris.' while another said 'I'm going to miss my meeting now, you fool.'
Broken, I walked away and took my place in the queue for conventional passport control. After 25 minutes, the Iris queue had fully dissipated and my paper passport was checked fleetingly by a pretty young lady with auburn hair and a striking figure.
She smiled knowingly: 'Have you just been rejected by Iris ?' 'No - what on earth makes you think that ?' 'Well - I watched you get rejected by Iris earlier, your face is blotchy and I can tell you've been crying.'
'Anyway, forget Iris - let's talk about us. What time do you knock off tonight ?'
[ This whole sorry episode will be screen on 'UK Border Force' on Sky 1 on Thursday April 8 at 20:00 ]
why can't people understand date arithmetic ?
AND TO_NUMBER(TO_CHAR(appt_start_dt + 9/24, 'YYYYMMDDHH24MISS'))
<= TO_NUMBER(TO_CHAR((TO_DATE(:b1, 'DD/MM/YYYY HH24:MI:SS')), 'YYYYMMDDHH24MISS'))
Please can a clever Oracle person explain, in English, the precise semantics of this WHERE clause snippet in the comments below.
I realise this construct and variants thereof have probably been discussed ad infinitum on Oracle WTF but I just don't get it.
I don't know whether this SQL was written by a human being or a third party ETL tool but it doesn't matter. Currently, all ETL tools are written by humans in any case.
Why do people struggle so much with date arithmetic ?
When I was a little boy, I used to say 'Only 43 days to my birthday now, Dad'. Although I didn't know it at the time I could have written this as
sysdate + 43 = :my_birthday
I even understand that TRUNC(SYSDATE) is midnight - it just seems fairly intuitive and logical to me.
My tiny brain can even understand the concept of date subtraction - last Wednesday was two days ago and Manchester City's last trophy was almost 34 years ago.
I understand that a date is a date is a date. I realise that a date is not an orange. I realise that a date is not a string and I only see dates in SQL Developer because that was a design decision to perform an implied conversion using the default date format and a useful user friendly feature.
I understand that if I want to display the date and be assured of the date format I need to convert it to a string using TO_CHAR with the appropriate date format mask.
I understand that Unix systems (and the next generation blogging platform, Habari) stores 'dates' internally as the number of seconds that have elapsed since the Unix epoch on 01 January 1970 00:00:00.
But look again at that code snippet. The author is obviously familiar with the Oracle functions TO_CHAR and TO_NUMBER but why in the name of God does he convert a date to a string to a number and then compare the resulting outputs ?
What is the meaning of that generated 'number' - 20100129143559 ? 'Twenty billion, one hundred thousand and and one hundred and twenty nine million, one hundred and forty three thousand and five hundred and fifty nine. Or something. Why is that a useful number ?
Why did he waste time and energy doing do all that typing ? Is he working on a top secret defence project that requires him to obfuscate the code ? Maybe he is paid by lines of code ? The author is clearly aware of some elements of date arithmetic in Oracle because he used '+ 9/24' to add 9 hours to the appointment start date.
Maybe there was a useful index defined on APPT_START_DT that he wanted to suppress for performance reasons.
I'm not sure but I have an awful suspicion that the object associated with the bind variable :B1 may already be declared as a DATE data type but hey, let's convert it to a date using TO_DATE - just to be sure, to be sure.
Why didn't he simply use
AND appt_start_dt + 9/24 <= [TO_DATE] :B1
Why ?
the mechanics of IT
Last year, I visited a customer in Swindon. When I arrived at the office, I noticed some water dripping from the underside at the front of my car. I didn't have time to investigate or get my hands dirty so I subconsciously hoped it was just condensation from the air conditioning unit and tried to forget all about it.
After work, I managed to navigate Swindon's world famous roundabout of roundabouts and finally locate my hotel. When I parked, I noticed the temperature gauge was reading high - very high. Sure enough, I got out of the car to see steam pouring out of the bonnet and was greeted by the familiar smell of anti-freeze.
I still didn't want to get my hands dirty so I opened the bonnet and just stared at the problem, hoping that would miraculously fix it. Then I checked in to my room and rang the AA. I introduced myself to the operator as 'Hi - my name is Norman and I'm an alcoholic.'
The AA man duly arrived before 'The One Show' had even finished. We both stood looking at the engine knowingly before he asked: 'Now, Sir, what seems to be the problem ?'
'Well, I think it's pretty minor and easy to fix. It's just the top hose has perished and needs replacing.'
'Oh I see, Sir. Why do you think that ?'
'Well, when the engine was running, steam was pouring out of the top corner of the radiator - right there where the water hose joins.'
'OK, Sir. Thanks for that. Please could you just turn the engine over for me so I can take a look myself ?'
Engine on. Water and steam billowing out. Smell of anti-freeze. Temperature gauge rising.
'Whoa ! That's fine, Sir. Engine off now, please. Well it's not your hose, Sir. The problem is over here. It's your bleed screw, Sir. Look (flips the screw from the middle of the radiator). This bleed screw has sheared off in half. Quite a common problem on this model. Seen it a couple of times now.'
I felt a little sheepish (but very relieved that a solution was in sight) and the man from the AA, James, filled the radiator with 13 pints of cold water and I followed him to a local garage where we parked and he kindly drove me back to the hotel so I could wash my hands.
The next morning, I walked into the customer's offices to be excitedly greeted with 'Oh good - glad you're here. We have got problems. Serious problems. Performance problems. On production.'
'Ah OK - what seems to be the problem ?'
'Well it's the database, you see. It's the hard disk - 99% busy. Partition 27b on logical volume 7 is overheating. Oh and another thing that might be relevant - the hit ratio is right down at 72.7%'
'OK - thanks for that. Do you think you could just start the system up for me and I'll take a look myself ?'
travelogue
People never ask me 'Hey Norman - where has your glamorous globe trotting lifestyle as a IT consultant taken you this year ?'
- January - Bergen
- February - Berne, Blackpool
- March - Madrid, Cairo
- April - Slough, Macclesfield
- May - Lisbon
- June - Warsaw
- July - Brisbane, Perth, Broome, Darwin (holiday)
- August - Brentford
- September - Sunderland
- October - Swindon
- November - Dusseldorf
- December - Kitchen Table