axe murderer
A couple of years ago, I was working in Amsterdam (near Holland) chasing world records for loading lots of data into a Siebel database.
It wasn't working very well. The client was unhappy so long hours were called for.
The Unix team said the expensive SAN was performing optimally.
The DBA team said Oracle was performing optimally.
The Siebel team said Siebel was performing optimally.
Alex Ferguson unexpectedly joined a conference call and said the Manchester United team were performing optimally.
The truth was that nothing was performing optimally. We could have loaded data quicker by typing it in.
So, we were all scratching our heads, dying to get into Amsterdam, and yawning at 23.47 one night when a gentleman appeared with a bottle of red wine.
'Has anyone got a corkscrew ?'
Well it made a pleasant change from 'Is it finished yet ?'
'No'
'Oh. It's my birthday today and I'd like to share this bottle of wine with the team.'
Purely, in the interests of team morale, I took a decisive step forward.
'Just get a biro and sink the cork into the bottle. Then we can all have a quick drink and watch glance and OEM for another 3 hours.'
'Sorry. I do not understand what you are meaning.'
'OK. Just give me the bottle.'
I grabbed a biro, plunged it into the cork and pushed. Nothing happened. I pushed harder. People (including managers) were now looking at me, exchanging knowing glances (Mad Englishman). Nothing happened.
So, I pushed even harder. Nothing happened. I put the bottle between my knees and pushed even harder. Finally, the biro plunged into the cork and the cork consequently plunged into the bottle.
However the impact was slightly more forceful than I intended and I was sprayed with a fountain of red wine. My pristine white shirt only accentuated the visual impact.
I paused and gathered myself. Red wine was splattered all over my shirt. I looked a complete mess. People were sniggering which quickly developed into hysterical laughter.
I proffered the 3/4 full bottle of red wine, to the birthday boy, expecting some gratitude.
'Thanks. Have you got any cups ?'
So, instead of being known as 'that Siebel guy who helped us load 84 million records in 23 hours with error checking and reconciliation', I was forever labelled as 'the axe murderer'.
David Beckham and I
...have a lot in common. I was interested to read that David Beckham suffers from OCD and simply can not abide an odd number ofquotations
Tom Kyte has some favourite quotes so here are some of mine.Are you still doing what you did 5 years ago ? Yeah ? Well, don't make a career out of it ? (Mark. E. Smith) All over Battersea, some hope and some despair (Morrissey) As she parts her greying hair, voices on the stair (The Chameleons) Every twenty minutes on the Appalachian Trail, Katz and I walked further than the average American walks in a week (Bill Bryson) Doing so will result in obstreperous behavior, usually devoid of any amusement value. (Dynix/ptx manual on the dangers of mixing BSD and ABI socket calls) Is there really no beginning to your talents ? (Clive Anderson to Jeffrey Archer) Have you ever thought, just for one moment, that it might be you ? (Alan Shearer to Glen Hoddle after Luxembourg game)And finally, for all you philosophers out there who managed to get this far
We may seem cold, or We may even be The most depressing people you've ever known At heart, what's left, we sadly know That we are the last truly British people you'll ever know (Morrissey)Only joking. Sorry about that, philosophers. Here you go.
Those who forget the past are condemned to relive it (George Santayana)
simple things
InterWeb. I think I first heard the term used, while working for a small Internet company, by an Aussie. I can't recall whether we were laughing at him or he was laughing at us. Anyway, I now use 'InterWeb' at dinner parties, hotels and even in the work environment. People used to stare quizzically but, sadly, no longer. The term is now in common usage which somehow just makes it all the more amusing.a cause for concern
I am fortunate to find myself staying in a pleasant enough hotel in Newcastle upon Tyne. It is called the 'Malmaison' which is a little pretentious for my liking (for an unpretentious city where people wear T-shirts, white socks and mini-skirts in the depths of winter) but a colleague is also staying here and it does provide a clean bed and a shower which meets all of my simplistic requirements. My confirmation email seems to confirm my suspicions with the following gems:May we commend you on your choice of hotel. We're sure you'll find Mal life like no other. Superior service. Choice cuisine. Dazzling drinks.Fantastic introduction. They are praising me (the customer) for my superb choice in hotels. They are already promising fantastic cuisine (even though I may choose to eat elsewhere) and 'dazzling' drinks (even though I will undoubtedly choose to drink elsewhere). In any case, I wasn't aware that Newcastle Brown Ale could be described in that way due to legal constraints of the Trade Descriptions Act.
Perfect pampering. Memorable meetings. And of course sleep, with plenty of zeds.As for 'memorable meetings', I have attended lots and lots of business meetings. In fact, I am not sure that I can actually remember a single one.
Well, there we are. That should be all the bases covered.Promising use of management consultant speak.
Please note that after 14th Feb, plastic is only fantastic with a PIN!!!Excellent use of triple exclamation mark. However, even my rusty 'O' level French is still good enough to tell me that the literal translation of 'Malmaison' is actually 'Bad House' which seems an odd choice of name for a supposedly quality hotel.