I always had a lot of time for the outgoing Manchester City manager, Stuart Pearce. Well his press conferences and musical tastes, anyway.
However, I have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that, in seven weeks, Manchester City Football Club are going to appoint a foreign manager.
This appointment will come after the City board initially go after 'big Sam Allardyce' and offer to rename him 'MASSIVE'. City are shocked to be rejected by Allardyce who has already signed up at Newcastle and is merely arguing over additional ex-gratia payments in brown bags to be exchanged at Washington services on the A1.
Unabashed, the chairman glibly assumes that timing of Paul Jewell's resignation at Wigan is more then coincidental and quickly arranges a meeting. Paul Jewell tells him: 'Look - I am at the end of my tether. The relegation battle left me a broken man. My doctor says I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I have been advised to take a 2 year break from football. I would have to be completely mad to take over at City'. 'Oh so I take it that's a 'No' then, is it ?'
The City board of directors then appoint Francis Lee to lead the increasingly urgent hunt for Pearce's successor. His first effort is rebuffed by a City old boy - Steve Coppell. 'Err - I only lasted 6 matches in 1996 for 'personal reasons' and, in any case, I'm working for a big club now.'
In desperation, the vice-chairman suggests a radical strategy - appointing the untried Joey Barton as player manager to instill some much needed 'fighting spirit' in the team. This is opposed vehemently by City fans who conclusively vote 23-6 against in a poll conducted in the Manchester Evening News.
An emergency board meeting is convened to discuss with just two items on the agenda:
- Is Sven Goran Eriksson fully paid-up by England yet ?
- AOB - Noel Gallagher's offer.
The Guardian's Rob Smyth has a fascinating
article where he eats humble pie and ranks Manchester United's nine Premiership titles.
Curiously enough, I have also given this matter a lot of thought over the weekend. I place this title second after Alex Ferguson's very first Premiership victory back in 1992-1993. Not because that team was better (it wasn't) but because of all the history, the expectation, the broken dreams, the false dawns in preceding 26 years and the satisfaction of lifting the title and finally knocking Liverpool off their
perch.
However, I was living in hope rather than expectation for this campaign. Chelsea had won the title (easily) for the past two seasons and strengthened further with the summer acquisitions of Ballack and Shevchencko.
United had significantly paid over the odds for Michael Carrick. I questioned the wisdom of offloading Ruud van Nistlerooy and feared Paul Scholes' best days were behind him. I was convinced
Ole's next goal would be in his testimonial and doubted Ferguson's assessment of Patrice Evra ability who I considered no better than Silvestre.
United had a fair share of luck in this campaign; Ferguson's squad remained injury free for the majority of the season, the goalkeeping error and Neville own goal at Everton, Vassell's missed penalty. The list goes on.
However, United did play some fantastic football this season (Fulham on the opening day, Roma, Bolton away) and Cristiano Ronaldo's first-half display against Bolton was absolutely superb. Playing and winning the United way.
Ferguson's luck deserted him towards the end of the season with injuries to a watertight defence coupled with Van der Saar's shattered nose (and confidence). The gulf between the sides in the two legged semi-final against AC Milan was embarrassing.
If Chelsea had won the title three years in a row, I think the gulf between them and the rest would have widened still further and been even harder to bridge. It's tempting to think Chelsea were decimated by injuries mid-season but they actually lost fewer games (3) than United and have an incredibly strong squad.
The various points totals from each campaign make interesting reading. United already have 88 points with two games left which is the third highest total (behind 92 points in 93-94 and 91 in 99-00). I think it illustrates how high Chelsea have raised the standards required to win the Premiership and what a fantastic achievement winning it really is.
Up The Reds !
Dear Paul
You are 32 years old and a fantastic footballer. You are still producing moments of breathtaking brilliance (lobbed pass for Rooney versus AC Milan).
You are one of my
favourite players at Manchester United. However, let's face it. You can not tackle to save your life. If you get booked and United beat AC Milan tonight, you will miss your second European Cup Final.
This would be hard for me to take so God knows how you would feel. Remember how it felt to walk around the Nou Camp in 1999 with Roy Keane in those grey suits.
If you make two tackles, you are likely to get booked. If you make four tackles, you are certain to get booked.
So please, please have a word with Alex Ferguson and get Michael Carrick to concentrate on winning the ball and just pass it to you.
Yours faithfully
Norman Brightside (no relation)
Apologies for the delayed transmission but the events of last Saturday left me traumatised and deeply shocked.
You might find it hard to believe that a once great club has been relegated to Division 2.
You might even shed a tear for the diminutive, chirpy, cheeky Cockney who manages this football club.
You might hope and pray that this sleeping giant makes a rapid return to the heady heights of, err, the Championship.
You might remember the halcyon days of the 70's when they were undoubtedly the top club in the country.
You might feel sorry for the Chairman (aka Grandad Smurf) who ploughed thousands of pounds out of his own money into the club in a futile attempt to stem the tide.
You might empathise with their massive, dedicated, loyal, law abiding, long suffering 'supporters' and think 'Oh dear what a shame'.
You might remember the heady days just six years ago when they 'lived the dream' and actually reached a European Cup Semi Final.
You might wonder how this has happened just 12 months after the club were 90 minutes away from a return to the Premiership but narrowly lost out to the mighty, err, Watford.
You might but I don't. Good riddance to
Leeds United.
In recent weeks, this esteemed publication (Daily Excess) has been critical of Wayne Rooney's recent performances for Manchester United.
One article 'Rooney is finished' questioned his future, his commitment, his mental state and his footballing ability. We ran a story that incorrectly claimed Rooney was 'furious and livid' at the amount of media attention, fulsome praise and PFA awards being given to his team-mate and rival, Cristiano Ronaldo.
After his performance and two wonder goals on Saturday, the Daily Excess is proud to announce an unreserved, unequivocal and heartfelt apology to Wayne (John, Paul, Ringo, George) Rooney of Wilmslow, Cheshire.
Wayne Rooney is the best footballer in
England the world. Wayne Rooney is destined to enjoy a long and trophy-filled career for club and country. John Terry has a dodgy back so must be relieved of the England captaincy immediately and the honour bestowed on 'our Wayne'. Wayne Rooney will bring the World Cup back home in 2010.
Rival publications have compared Wayne to Eric Cantona. That comparison is grossly unfair. Wayne Rooney is infinitely better than that garlic smelling, poetry reading, snail eating, karate kicking Frenchman who can't even speak English proper.
Wayne Rooney is a fantastic footballer and an awesome young talent to be nurtured and savoured.
Until he next goes four games without a goal.