here we go
Didn't take long. Please welcome Roland, err, Bianchi.
Manchester City announce two new signings
Newly appointed Manchester City manager, Sven Goran Eriksson stunned the football world today by opening the transfer kitty and swooping within hours of his appointment, to announce two high profile signings from two major Premiership rivals. The new arrivals are a combative 24 year old midfielder and an experienced, classy central defender- Joey Barton (Newcastle - £18.4 million)
- Silvain Distin (Portsmouth - £7.2 million)
beat the bookie with Brightside
Seven weeks ago on this blog, I predicted that Manchester City would appoint a foreign manager.
'However, I have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that, in seven weeks, Manchester City Football Club are going to appoint a foreign manager.'I also suggested the name of 'Sven Goran Eriksson' as the most likely candidate to be appointed. Now, seven weeks ago, you could get decent odds from your local bookie on Eriksson being appointed: 100-1 in fact. So, I put my money where my mouth was even though I don't follow Citeh and decided to risk £10 on a long shot. However, if you, dear reader, shared my convictions and also followed my sage advice, please do not waver now. Please do not be weak. Now is the time to seize the moment. Now is the time to significantly increase your original investment of £10. Now is the time to be rich beyond your wildest dreams. Bet the £1,000 proceeds (all of it) on this accumulator
- Manchester City to win Premiership, Carling Cup and FA Cup in 2007-2008 (2,500-1)
- Manchester City to win Champions League in 2008-2009 (50,000-1)
Theatre of Comedy
Moss Side, near Manchester, England - Friday 22 June 2007 The hopes and dreams of the loyal and long suffering supporters of the popular football club, Manchester City, were cruelly shattered last night when the former Thai Prime Minister, Thaksin Shinawatra suddenly withdrew from takeover negotiations and and unexpectedly deposited his £81 million from a brown paper bag into an unnamed Swiss bank account. In an exclusive interview, Mr. Shinywart explained: 'I feel so stupid but I was conned and lied to. I thought Manchester City was a proper, massive Premiership football club. One that would sell lots of shirts in Thailand. However, when I recently visited Madchester to see John Wardle, I specifically asked to meet with my two favourite players, Silvia Distin and Josephine Barton.' 'I think Distin is a superb defender and influential captain. I intended to build a brand new team around him - a team capable of restoring Citeh to their rightful place, a team capable of avoiding relegation every season.' 'I am also a massive fan of Miss. Barton because I am looking for a new bodyguard with a warped mind, delusions of grandeur and a propensity for violence.' 'I met Mr. Waddle in a dingy Working Men's Club in a pleasant village called Hulme and was staggered to learn that both Sylvia and Josephine had both recently been sold. When I demanded an explanation, Mr. Wardle said it was to raise money as compensation for an ex-employee called Mr. Pearce Steward.' 'I asked if we could use the money from Distin's sale to buy a world class, international striker, guaranteed to remain injury free and score 20 goals a season. Or failing that, Michael Owen. Mr. Wardell then went a strange colour and mumbled that Distin had left on a free transfer to reduce the massive wage bill.' 'I was now very angry and demanded to be introduced to the manager. Mr. Wardle looked a little sheepish and said they had decided to sack him because he kept telling the truth and, in any case, he thought I was going to bribe a Swedish adulterer with hard core porn videos to lead us into a new trophy laden era.' 'After a silent lunch (Thai Green Curry with chips and gravy), we then caught the 34 bus to the modern, valuable stadium. I was really looking forward to this because I intended to sell it and share a ground with Glazer's successful team who play in Red. Then, I discovered that Manchester City don't even own this asset. Instead, they play their home games in a property rented from the local council.' 'Enough is enough. I was now very close to withdrawing my offer. I gave Mr. Woddle one last chance to salvage the deal. I asked him for a video of all of the highlights and exciting goals from last season. Mr. Wardell mumbled: 'Even with highlights, reserve games, the Xmas party and all the cup competitions, we still didn't have enough footage to make a DVD. However, we do have a 37 second clip on YouTube featuring all the goals from our home fixtures.' 'So that was that. The deal is off. If I am convicted on charges of corruption, bribery and fraud and have to spend 15 years in a Thai prison, it will be a narrow escape compared with being the owner of Manchester City.' John Wardle was bitterly disappointed at this breakdown in negotiations and issued a brief statement: 'Well, he started it. He invited me to Thailand where I bought this £4,000 Gold Rolex for 15 quid on a street market. The bloody thing is always 12 minutes slow so I keep missing kick-off and vital business appointments.' 'Mr. Skinnywater is a opportunistic fraudster who knows absolutely nothing about football. I say this because he claims we need to buy two strikers, two midfielders and a goal-keeper. So, clearly, the man thinks English teams only have five players. What an complete idiot !' 'And another thing, when I was in Bangkok, I decided to sample the nighttime delights of Patpong where I enjoyed a drink with a delightful hostess. She was stunning. I truly loved that girl. I was going to bring her home to Moss Side and marry her until she revealed a deep voice, a preference for the rear entrance, hairy armpits and a 10" sex aid strapped around her waist. At least, (s)he claimed it was a sex aid. I can only thank God I followed Thaksin's advice and decided to pull out at the last minute.' 31 years.Manchester City announce new manager
I always had a lot of time for the outgoing Manchester City manager, Stuart Pearce. Well his press conferences and musical tastes, anyway. However, I have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that, in seven weeks, Manchester City Football Club are going to appoint a foreign manager. This appointment will come after the City board initially go after 'big Sam Allardyce' and offer to rename him 'MASSIVE'. City are shocked to be rejected by Allardyce who has already signed up at Newcastle and is merely arguing over additional ex-gratia payments in brown bags to be exchanged at Washington services on the A1. Unabashed, the chairman glibly assumes that timing of Paul Jewell's resignation at Wigan is more then coincidental and quickly arranges a meeting. Paul Jewell tells him: 'Look - I am at the end of my tether. The relegation battle left me a broken man. My doctor says I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I have been advised to take a 2 year break from football. I would have to be completely mad to take over at City'. 'Oh so I take it that's a 'No' then, is it ?' The City board of directors then appoint Francis Lee to lead the increasingly urgent hunt for Pearce's successor. His first effort is rebuffed by a City old boy - Steve Coppell. 'Err - I only lasted 6 matches in 1996 for 'personal reasons' and, in any case, I'm working for a big club now.' In desperation, the vice-chairman suggests a radical strategy - appointing the untried Joey Barton as player manager to instill some much needed 'fighting spirit' in the team. This is opposed vehemently by City fans who conclusively vote 23-6 against in a poll conducted in the Manchester Evening News. An emergency board meeting is convened to discuss with just two items on the agenda:- Is Sven Goran Eriksson fully paid-up by England yet ?
- AOB - Noel Gallagher's offer.