if, buts and maybes
With apologies to Mr. Kipling (who does bake exceedingly good cakes) and Tele Savalas
'If' - a poem by Arsene Wenger of North London.
If UEFA had changed the rules of football for all games played on 17 May 2006
If the referee hadn't been a Barcelona supporter
If the idiotic, Norwegian linesman had been allowed to officiate and flag the first goal offside
If Lehman had still been on the pitch, he would have saved both goals
If D'Artagnan had been allowed to stay on the pitch
If the Barca goalkeeper hadn't tipped Lundberg's shot over the bar
If poor Thierry hadn't been so tired, he would have definitely scored that goal
Or, as we say back home
'If my Auntie had bollocks, she would be my Uncle.'
bingo night
Oracle 'A' lister and Scottish football fan, Doug Burns, was celebrating last night as he hoisted the inaugural 'Champions League Bingo' trophy aloft in an Edinburgh pub. Burns commented: 'Obviously I am surprised and delighted to win this cup. I had never played before but the cliches just kept on coming. It was unbelievable. I was in a noisy pub and I had to ask the barstaff to pump up the volume and my friends to stop talking but it was worth it'. Burns secured victory with a superb spot to a reference to Nigel Spinks and Aston Villa's triumph in 1982 (2 points) and a late rally with a flurry of references to 'Should he stay or should he go' (16 points). Doug immediately vacated the scene of his famous victory to continue his celebrations with his Norwegian neighbours. The special 'OOONNN-RRR-EEE' category was judged by celebrity, Tracey Temple, former Diary Secretary to John Prescott.'Two premature ejaculations in the first 2 minutes within 20 seconds of each other (2 points and 1 point), continual soft moaning for 90 minutes (nul point) and a failure to get it up after 70 minutes (3 points) ending in ultimate disappointment all round. What an anti-climax. Just like a night of passion with the DPM, in fact.'
Champions League bingo
To liven up tonights Champions League Final between Arsenal and Barcelona, score the following number of points for each and every mention of the following:- 1 - The English clubs who have won the European Cup (MUFC, Liverpool, Nottingham Forest). Score double for Aston Villa.
- 2 - The Scottish club who have won the European Cup (Celtic).
- 2 - Patrick Viera.
- 3 - Sol Campbell's 'state of mind'.
- 4 - The fact that Barcelona have only lifted the trophy once.
- 4 - Thierry Henry's future ('Staying'). Score double for 'Going'.
- 4 - Price of blackmarket tickets outside the stadium.
- 5 - Idiotic Norwegian linesman who donned a Barcelona shirt.
- 5 - Arsenal already qualified for Champions League thanks to 'that lasagne'.
- 5 - He's only played twice this season (Ashley Cole).
- 10 - 'EEENNN- RRREEE !!!!'. Score double if Martin Tyler actually reaches a climax.
- 20 - Pitchside analysis at half-time from Townsend/McCoist. Score double if fans manage to drown it out.
- 20 - Only he (Ronaldinho) could produce that.
- 25 - Sven Goran Eriksson will be pleased/shocked/worried/annoyed about that. Score double for 'ashamed'.
- 1000 - Thierry Henry saying 'I'm leaving' in the post match interview.