Wayne Rooney's World Cup diary
Tuesday 1 June
Mr. Capello announces the final squad of 23 players for the World Cup. There was the odd surprise and some devastated players as we say a tearful farewell to Huddza, Johnno, the Scott-Meister, Les (Dawson), Dazza The Bender, Walcottza and the quiet one (I think his name was Leighton Baines).
Saturday 5 June
Rio and Heskey have a argument over Wii Tennis that carries over into a training match. After winning a defensive header, Rio tells Heskey 'Dunno why you're still here. I've scored more international goals than you.' Heskey retaliates by sliding in by the corner flag and sitting on Rio's left knee.
Sunday 6 June
Rio has done medial ligaments and Mr. Capello is very cross. He had put his name down for the Wii Tennis tournament and no-one told him when he was on. Mr. Baldini reads the riot act and Rio goes to hospital.
Mr. Ferguson rings me and is screaming so loud I have to hold the receiver away from my sunburnt ear. He wants me to get Emile Heskey to sit on me so I can miss the World Cup and get sent home to Manchester.
Monday 7 June
Crisis meeting mainly for the defenders but we all have to go which is a shame as I was beating Joe Hart 79-71 in a Noughts and Crosses marathon session in the hotel lobby.A young fair haired lad called Dawson turns up. No-one really knows who is he or why he's here. I think he might be an undercover reporter or Joe Cole's agent. Anyway, Mr. Baldini says he is replacing Rio in the Wii Tennis tournament.
Mr. Capello wants to sort out the communication between the back four and the rest of the team. Rio used to call me 'Wazza', JT 'Tezza', Stevie G 'Gezza' etc so it was all quite easy. However, the young fair haired lad can't learn all these nicknames in time. Mr. Capello wants us to use 'Senor Rooney' but this takes too long. Baldini suggests shortening this to 'Rooney' which wins 20-5 in a vote.
After 37 minutes, plunged in silent, deep thought, Sean Wright-Phillips says something: "What about Joe Cole and Ashley Cole ? They will now both be called 'Cole'."
Mr. Capello is annoyed at this interruption as dinner is nearly ready and he asked for his favourite - Spaghetti Hoops - tonight so he quickly ends the discussion: 'Right - Ashley will be '55 grand' and Senor Cole will be 'Cole'.
Gareth Barry says that 'Cole' sounds a little but like 'Goal' but Mr. Baldini says that won't be a problem.
Tuesday 8 June
Papers giving me a lot of stick for reckless challenges, getting booked and telling a referee to 'Feck Off' in a friendly against John Terry's All Gold Platinum All Stars. I am summoned to a meeting with Mr. Capello and the new captain Steve Gerrard. David Beckham is also present - his main role was to coach Theo - but now he just has to check no-one is wearing flip-flops and keep Rio's spirits up.
Have a chat with Steve Gerrard and Jamie Carragher by the pool. They are a little hard to understand (even for me) but they are in high spirits. Steve reckons we can go all the way and win it this time. He keeps saying 'Listen, eh - la. Good things come in threes. Rio's injury gave me the captaincy. Rafa was sacked by Liverpool so this must mean we are going to win it and Stevie Me will lift the World Cup, instantly treble my value and get my dream move to Chelsea, sorry Real Madrid.
securing a job on LinkedIn
Hi Norman. You and I haven't spoken before so please excuse the intrusion. However Sandstone Search & Selection are a specialist recruitment consultancy, focused on the Enterprise Software and Consulting markets. I'm keen to find out if you're open minded about your career please let me know. Rupert Smithers-Jones
Hi Rupert. Yes - I am pretty open minded about my career and would consider anything apart from pole dancing. Norman.
Hi Norman. Excellent news ! Ping me when you have 5 minutes free to chat about an exciting opportunity. Rupert
Rupert - I typed 'ping rupert' but my computer reported an error 'rupert is not responding'. Kind regards, Norman
Norman - What would you say to an opening in pre-sales consulting for a major, established blue chip based in London with some international travel ? Rupert
Hey Rupert I don't wish to be rude but I think I'd rather be considered for the 'pole dancing' role. Do you have any such openings for tasteful pole dancing - maybe at corporate events for IT companies. Although I relatively new to the business, I do have a copy of 'The Full Monty' on DVD. Does that help ? Norman
Norman - You're confused. I'm a executive search and selection specialist charged with head hunting the most talented and elite IT professionals for the top FTSE 100 companies in the UK. I don't find temporary jobs for pole dancers. BTW What is your notice period ? Rupert
Rupert - My notice period is one month but I wouldn't be available for any new role until 1 September when I get out of hospital - Norman.
Norman - I don't wish to pry but what is the nature of your medical procedure. It might affect the package I can secure for you - Rupert.
Rupert - Please don't worry - it's just some minor surgery I'm having done in Belarus. It the fourth and final part of my transgender operation. From 1 September, I will be henceforth be known as 'Norma-Jeane'. This will most certainly affect my package and strong pain killers will be required. Do you want an updated CV now to forward to the client ? Thanks, Norman.
Norman - This conversation is now over. Sorry to have troubled you. Rupert. PS. If you know of any colleagues, relatives or numerate pets who might be interested in IT jobs, please let me know. There's a case of 12 bottles of mixed French wine on offer for each successful placement.
Rupert - please don't act like a bear with yellow trousers, red jumper and a sore head. I had a chat with my 'life coach' last night and we decided that the time is ripe for a fresh, new challenge. I need to be excited when I when I go to work. I need to be stretched (but gently). I need to be stimulated again (but gently). Therefore, I am now looking for a Linux system administration role or exotic dancing. Ideally, full time Linux Sys Admin for a charity and part-time dancing at night. The main reason for the transgender process was the increased earning potential available to female strippers. This will enable me to get enough money together for the 'pole dancing' classes. Please let me know - Norman.
Norman - My colleague David is responsible for Linux recruitment. He really likes the look of your CV and is confident he has a fantastic opportunity. Do you have a beard as this would almost certainly secure an interview ?
Yes - but only before 1 September.
The National - Royal Albert Hall
After weeks of anticipation, the day finally dawned - Thursday 6 May and The National's concert at the Royal Albert Hall.
I've been to the Albert Hall once before when I went to see Cirque de Soleil. On that occasion, I was wearing a jacket and tie (family birthday) and was perched precariously in the upper circle which gave me vertigo.
I had some reservations about seeing a proper concert here and had disconcerting images of posh people in dinner jackets, sitting down, politely applauding an acoustic set. Anyway, I got the tube to High St. Kensington, stopped off at the Goat Tavern for a quick drink en route.and then made my way to the famous venue next to Imperial College.
I had a brilliant seat down in the stalls to the left of the stage and thankfully although there were a few city types in suits, I didn't spot any dinner jackets or bow ties. As we waited for the band, I heard two blokes talking loudly about the logistics of getting a taxi afterwards and watched people queuing for Hagen Das ice-cream. Who said 'Rock'n'Roll' was dead ?
At 9:15pm, the various band members took the stage and opened with 'Mistaken for Strangers'. Thankfully, I think Matt sensed the slightly subdued, reserved atmosphere and came forward, urging everyone to stand up which immediately made for a much better time for everyone.
The National don't travel light on tour. The band is formed of two pairs of brothers; Aaron and Bryce Dessner (guitars), Bryan (drums) and Scott Devendorf (bass) together with with singer Matt Berninger. In addition, Padma Newsome plays violin, keyboards and, at one point,some sort of accordion contraption. The ensemble is completed by a brass section (trumpet, trombone).
Occasionally, I've tried to pinpoint why I like The National so much and the two main factors are Bryan Devendorf's metronomic, unceasing, crisp drumming (which is usually high in the mix) and Matt's thought provoking, ambiguous lyrics.
As the crowd became more appreciative and vocal, the band proceeded with a brilliant set throwing in old favourites from 'Alligator' and 'Boxer' together with most of the songs from the yet to be released 'High Violet'.
Matt joked about the cavernous and imposing size of the venue ('I wrote this song in a small room like this') and then proceeded to forget the lyrics to 'Baby - we'll be fine'. He tried again before the band aborted the attempt and moved on to 'Afraid of Everyone' ('Don't worry - this is a new one and I know the lyrics').
Not surprisingly, the acoustics and sound was brilliant although a neighbour also wanted to 'turn the drums up' and the band performed two of my favourite songs ; Conversation 16' and 'Apartment Story'. Like most of Matt's lyrics, 'Conservation 16' can be interpreted in many different ways. It sounds like a love song ('You're the only thing I ever want anymore') but then savagely turns into a loveless, broken, hate-filled relationship ('I was afraid I'd eat your brains Cause I'm evil').
It's clear the band are musical perfectionists - in recent interviews the band make it clear the production process is slow, iterative and laborious and scrupulous attention is paid to every last detail. To be honest, although I like 'High Violet', I do find some songs rather bleak; 'Sorrow' in particular. In fact, at times, you find yourself reaching for Joy Division's 'Closer' in an effort to lighten the mood. However, some of the 'High Violet' material which left me lukewarm was completely transformed when performed live ('England').
Also, although I absolutely love the song, I find the lo-fi mix of 'Terrible Love' on 'High Violet' so ropey I can hardly bring myself to listen to it. Again, I read in interviews that Matt wanted to cut out all the shouting (e.g. 'Abel' on 'Alligator') and the band were also keen to create a less polished production than on 'Boxer'. Personally, I think the production and quality of 'Boxer' was so immaculate, so perfect I would have used the same studio, the same producer, the same instruments and worn the same lucky underpants.
However, Aaron seemed to deliberately favour the raw, unpolished version of 'Terrible Love'; in fact, he acknowledges that, even after the weeks of mixing, some completed 'High Violet' tracks are very close to the original demo tapes.
Anyway, back to the concert and the band closed with 'Fake Empire' and returned to the stage for a magnificent encore comprising:
- Vanderlyle Cry Baby Geeks - one of the lighter, more accessible songs from 'High Violet'.
- All the Wine - one of my all time favourite National songs musically and lyrically.
- Mr November - Matt went walkabout way out into the lower circle for this one.
- Terrible Love - superb with all the additional musical elements.
- About Today - the only song I had never heard before - an extended guitar jam slowly building to a cresendo.
It was weird hearing 'Mr. November' which was used in Barack Obama's presidential campaign on election day in Britain and hearing hundreds of people screaming in unison:
I'm the new blue blood
I'm the great white hope.
I'm the new blue blood.
I won't fuck us over, I'm Mr. November.
I'm Mr. November, I won't fuck us over.
I didn't bother taking any day tripper, tourist photos but David Emery has some fantastic photos of an unforgettable night.
thoughts on browser usability
Jake Kuramoto from Oracle Apps Lab has a great post about common search terms for the three main search engines and notes that 'facebook.com' (and variants thereof) appear in the lists of most frequently used keywords.
Recently, I have been observing my wife who is a non-technical (Firefox) user although I must admit to a vested interest here. I am keen to understand any areas where Linux Mint is 'worse then Windows'. Over the last few weeks, I have noted the following:
The Web browser is Firefox 3.6 and the starting page is a single tab - Google.com (my choice).
This start page is minimalist in the extreme and dominates the screen. The user is instinctively drawn to this large, central area of the screen. Note to Google designers: This striking, beautiful minimalism is rather spoiled once you use the mouse.
My wife's Web session starts here. It always starts here. She might be searching for 'john lewis', 'maths revision guides', 'how to kill husband and get away with it' or 'weather london'. It is entirely logical that, if she wants to visit Facebook, she will simply hit 'Home' and initiate another 'mini-session by searching for 'facebook' (or some variant).
This may not the the quickest, optimal way of getting the job done but it's quick enough, it works and it is a learned behaviour.
I agree about search being more forgiving than typing raw text into the address bar. Google does the right thing with 'facebok' but the address bar doesn't. Don't try this experiment at work as it's potentially NSFW.
However, I think the key issue here is more about usability. The Google search page dominates the screen and the centrally placed search box dominates the Web page. Her eyes are drawn towards it. It is much harder for the brain to even consider the alternative options of 'address bar' 'search bar' or even 'Bookmarks' because these options are located at the top of the screen and are tiny in comparison - almost inconsequential. Therefore the brain has to do more work - particularly for 'Bookmarks' which nestles between 'History' and 'Tools'.
Coincidentally, I recently exposed the Bookmarks Toolbar with just two sites (Amazon, Facebook). These icons are now relatively large and easily visible and using them to quickly navigate is just a single mouse click but I don't believe she uses them. Old habits die hard perhaps.
This isn't being patronising but I don't believe she knows what the address bar is. Until recently, she didn't know what the search bar was. When I explained that the 'Google' in the bar and the magnifying class icon indicated you could search by typing into this text box, her reaction was 'Oh so it's like the Home page but smaller'. I am sure this mentality isn't unique among novice and non technical users.
She finds it confusing that the address bar takes things like 'amazon.com' (URL's) whereas the search bar takes 'amazon UK books' (search terms) and gets the two confused. Mostly this ambiguity doesn't affect the end result but it's confusing and poor UI design. Chrome addresses this nicely with a single unified bar which is exactly how it should be.
My wife often bookmarks stuff and recently complained that 'Bookmarks don't work. I can never find stuff again.' It transpired that she expected her lengthy list of Bookmarks to be listed in reverse chronological order and was unaware of the 'Recently Bookmarked' submenu. But then again, that's a extra click. Again, more work for the brain and people are lazy.
Although I am not a Web designer, I find usability and user interface design a fascinating area. I would love to conduct detailed interviews with my wife, my kids and my father to compare and contrast their usage of their respective computers.
The National - Royal Albert Hall
One of my favourite bands is American beat combo - The National. I will forever be indebted to Michael for introducing me to the band.
Yesterday, I received an email that said a handful of tickets for the sold out gig at the Royal Albert Hall on 6 May in London would be going on sale today at 3pm. These tickets were originally 'being held for lighting, sound and film equipment (for a possible filming of the performance) that we have decided to pull.'
I didn't hold out much hope but am delighted to say I have just secured a ticket.
The National have a new album 'High Violet' coming out on May 11. It's rather difficult (and pointless) trying to categorise the band's music (try listening to 'Boxer' yourself) but I really like Matt Berninger's voice and lyrics.
There's a free download of 'Bloodbuzz Ohio' available and here's a video of my favourite song, 'Terrible Love' (also from 'High Violet').